What is Anxiety?

COVID-19 Loss of Routine

Politics and you

The question isn’t if you are a Democrat or a Republican? Left or right? Conservative or liberal? The question is what is the current political atmosphere bringing up in you? Are you beginning to feel helpless, unheard, hopeless? It’s not difficult to believe these things when Washington D.C. just seems so far away from Hawaii. Literally, they are far, but don’t let the distance fool you into the “helpless, unheard, hopeless” state. There is something you can do about what the current politics are triggering in you. No, I don’t mean a revolution. I am talking about examining what the ubiquitous political drama is triggering in you. You may not be able to change the political environment, but today’s current events can lead you to a deeper understanding of you. For instance, when you turn on the news and you are infuriated by the ever evolving twists and turns of the political system, ask yourself, “what am I feeling right now? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Disgust? Once you’ve identified the feeling(s) that are being triggered, just feel it ( I know, easier said than done). Try not to analyze the feelings before you’ve actually felt them. Feelings are for feeling, not examining. Once the feeling(s) has passed, then maybe journal about it. What was it like to feel the emotions that’s been triggered? Does this bring anything up from the past? How old were you? Did you feel helpless, unheard and hopeless then too? What is the difference between then and now? Just explore the triggers without reacting to them. Triggers and emotions are signals that something is going on inside of us. When we are tiggered or an emotion arises, we are responsible for them, no one else. This can be the gift of today’s current events. We are given the opportunity every time we turn on the news to look within and ask “what is this triggering for me?” How do I heal this wound that has been brought to life for me? What is my responsibility and accountability in taking care of myself today? So the next time you turn on the news, instead of just yelling at the TV screen and reacting impulsively, go within, ask the questions that matter to you on a personal level. This is how we begin to change the world, focus on your own wounds first.

“I dream of a world where truth is what shapes people’s politics, rather than politics shaping what people think is true. ”

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

Ask For What You Need

Recovery from codependency requires one to be able to communicate your needs clearly.  Unfortunately, this is counter-intuitive for a codependent because often times, a codependent doesn't even realize she has needs at all.  So what to do?  In this blog, I will be discussing how to ask for what you need once you've realized that there is a worthy enough person inside your skin to speak up for. 

First, identify your emotions in regards to someone else's behavior.  For example, a feeling of sadness.  Second, what behavior from another person and even yourself triggered that sadness?  Third, what do you NEED around this?  Here are some vignettes:

You're washing dishes when your husband comes home and goes directly to the bedroom without saying "hi."  First, identify what emotion is present, sadness.  Second, what triggered this sadness?  "Oh my husband just walked by me without acknowledging me."  Third, what is my need around this?  I need him to give me a quick hug when he comes home.  So the next step is to say something like "When you came home and went directly to the bedroom without saying 'hi,' I became sad.  What I need is for you to give me a quick hug when you come home." 

You come home from work and find your teenage daughter doing her homework.  First, identify what emotion is present, joy.  Second, what triggered this joy?  "Oh seeing my daughter being accountable for herself and doing her homework makes me happy."  Third, what is my needs around this?  I just need to tell her I love her and appreciate her.  So the next step is to say something like "When I came home to see you doing your homework, that brought me joy.  I just need you to know I love you and appreciate you." 
 

This type of communication is foreign for a lot of us, but with practice, this way of speaking can become second nature.  I urge you to practice asking for what you need, know that you are are not asking to receive a "yes," but simply to learn to speak up for your true nature

“You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either”

— Don Miguel Ruiz

Independence Day

As the United States of America celebrates it's 242nd year of Independence from England, I wonder what do you want to be independent from?  What does independence mean to you?  How does it impact you now that you are somehow dependent on something/someone outside of yourself?  These are of course just the beginning questions I would ask you if you were sitting on my couch. 

I would say that most of my clients come initially to experience some sort of independence, whether it be freedom from PTSD, loneliness, addiction and/or dysfunctional habits.  We all have them, something to be independent from.  You see if we are chained to archaic connections like the now United States was to England, it is very challenging to flourish, if not down right impossible.  It is the same for us, we can not continue to be ruled by obsolete rules imposed by a society and humans who themselves walked around with untreated wounds.  If we do, we suffer the consequence of never realizing our true selves. 

Had the now US not have the courage to wage a war to gain it's independence from it's parent country, we would not now have this amazingly colorful, rebellious, adventurous and arguably great country. 

I would venture to say that our own personal independence to whatever chains us allows us the opportunity for an amazingly colorful, rebellious, adventurous and great life. 

I am not saying that we start a war with our parents or our families, but independence does mean having to honestly look at our relationships with these very important and flawed humans, as we all are.

Wrangling our independence isn't easy or fast, like with most things that are beautiful, IT IS A PROCESS.  Our independence from England wasn't won over night. 

The process of independence begins with questioning without judgement, just questioning with curiosity.  Allow your independence to begin here...

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an of rebellion”

— Alber Camus