Recovery from codependency requires one to be able to communicate your needs clearly. Unfortunately, this is counter-intuitive for a codependent because often times, a codependent doesn't even realize she has needs at all. So what to do? In this blog, I will be discussing how to ask for what you need once you've realized that there is a worthy enough person inside your skin to speak up for.
First, identify your emotions in regards to someone else's behavior. For example, a feeling of sadness. Second, what behavior from another person and even yourself triggered that sadness? Third, what do you NEED around this? Here are some vignettes:
You're washing dishes when your husband comes home and goes directly to the bedroom without saying "hi." First, identify what emotion is present, sadness. Second, what triggered this sadness? "Oh my husband just walked by me without acknowledging me." Third, what is my need around this? I need him to give me a quick hug when he comes home. So the next step is to say something like "When you came home and went directly to the bedroom without saying 'hi,' I became sad. What I need is for you to give me a quick hug when you come home."
You come home from work and find your teenage daughter doing her homework. First, identify what emotion is present, joy. Second, what triggered this joy? "Oh seeing my daughter being accountable for herself and doing her homework makes me happy." Third, what is my needs around this? I just need to tell her I love her and appreciate her. So the next step is to say something like "When I came home to see you doing your homework, that brought me joy. I just need you to know I love you and appreciate you."
This type of communication is foreign for a lot of us, but with practice, this way of speaking can become second nature. I urge you to practice asking for what you need, know that you are are not asking to receive a "yes," but simply to learn to speak up for your true nature
“You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either”