As the United States of America celebrates its 242nd year of independence from England, I find myself wondering, what do you want to be independent from?
Not in the patriotic, fireworks in the sky kind of way. But in the personal, quiet, soul-searching kind of way. What’s the thing, person, belief, habit, history that has been holding the pen while you try to write your own story?
What does independence mean to you?
How do you experience the cost of not having it, when some part of you is still tethered to something or someone outside of yourself for safety, permission, identity, or even love?
These are the kinds of questions I might ask you if you were sitting on my couch, legs curled under you, hands anxiously fiddling with the corner of a throw pillow. They aren’t always easy questions. But they’re the kind that open doors.
Most of the clients I see, whether they know it or not, are yearning for some form of independence. Freedom from PTSD. From loneliness. From addiction. From perfectionism. From dysfunctional family patterns that were handed down like heirlooms no one wanted but no one knew how to refuse.
We all have something to be free from. Some internal monarchy we’ve been bowing to without realizing it.
Codependent patterns. Cultural conditioning. Childhood beliefs that no longer fit. Relationships we feel responsible for maintaining, even if they shrink us. Careers we’re over-invested in to avoid confronting our inner emptiness. The chains look different, but the result is the same: we’re stuck. Stuck in systems that no longer serve us, rules written by people who were often just as wounded as we are.
When the American colonies sought independence from England, it wasn’t because they hated their roots. It was because the structure they were living under had become oppressive. Outdated. Misaligned with their evolving identity.
Sound familiar?
Sometimes, in order to truly grow, we need to step back and say: This no longer fits who I am or who I want to become.
That’s not rebellion for rebellion’s sake. That’s the beginning of personal sovereignty.
And no, I’m not saying you need to declare war on your parents or burn every bridge with people who didn’t know how to love you well. That’s not healing, that’s just reenactment with fireworks. What I am saying is that independence requires honesty. And courage. The willingness to look at your relationships, your inherited beliefs, your survival strategies, not with judgment, but with curiosity.
What am I still unconsciously loyal to?
What did I need to believe in order to stay safe?
Who told me I couldn’t have needs?
Who benefits from me staying small?
These questions are uncomfortable. And beautiful. Because they crack open the door to something bigger: your freedom.
Had the United States never risked the discomfort of defiance, we wouldn’t have the colorful, rebellious, adventurous (and yes, sometimes messy) country we have today. The same is true of you. If you never risk the discomfort of change, you’ll miss the opportunity to live your full, technicolor life.
Independence, true independence, isn’t about isolation or doing it all on your own. It’s about living in alignment with your truth. It’s about choosing your life from a place of wholeness, not habit.
And like all things worthwhile, it’s a process.
The colonies didn’t become a nation overnight. There were battles. Losses. Standstills. Hopeful declarations followed by moments of uncertainty. That’s what becoming yourself looks like too. There are days when you feel brave and clear and sovereign—and days when you still feel like a frightened child in an adult body, just trying not to get in trouble.
That’s okay. That’s human. That’s the journey.
So if you’re not sure where to begin, try here:
Start by questioning.
Not with blame.
Not with shame.
Just gentle, intentional curiosity.
What do I want to be free from?
What might my life look like if I were truly independent, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually?
And remember: you don’t have to have all the answers to begin. You just have to be willing to ask the questions.
Let your independence begin here.
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an of rebellion”