Recovery from codependency isn’t about fixing what’s broken, because you’re not broken. It’s about uncovering what’s been buried. Reclaiming the parts of yourself you tucked away to survive.
One of the core tenets of this recovery? Learning to ask for what you need.
I know, easier said than done. Because for the codependent, the very idea of having needs can feel… foreign. Or worse, shameful. It’s as if you were wired with an internal alarm system that says, “Needing something makes you weak. Inconvenient. Too much.”
So what do you do instead? You anticipate. You over-function. You become the emotional concierge in every relationship, offering room service-level attention to everyone else’s needs while ignoring the quiet whisper inside your own chest.
The truth is, codependents often don’t even know they have needs. Not because they’re out of touch or dramatic or lacking self-awareness, but because they were taught, explicitly or implicitly, that their needs weren’t safe. That survival required silence, hyper-vigilance, self-sacrifice.
But survival is not the same as living.
So what now?
Let’s say you’ve made it to that crucial first step in recovery: you’ve realized there is a worthy person inside your skin. Someone who has feelings. Desires. Limits. A voice. And now, your work is to learn how to speak up on her behalf.
Here’s a simple three-part framework I use with my clients:
Identify what you're feeling.
Name the behavior (yours or someone else’s) that triggered the feeling.
Get clear on what you need around this.
Let’s bring this to life with a couple of examples:
Vignette 1: The Quiet Husband
You’re standing at the sink, hands in soapy water, when your husband walks through the door. He breezes past you, wordless, and disappears into the bedroom.
You freeze. Your mind starts spinning. Did I do something? Is he mad? Does he even see me anymore?
Instead of spiraling, try this:
Step one: What am I feeling? Sadness.
Step two: What triggered it? He didn’t say hi when he got home.
Step three: What do I need? A moment of connection.
Now, here’s how you put that into words:
“When you came home and walked straight to the bedroom without saying hi, I felt sad. What I need is just a quick hug or hello when you get home. It helps me feel connected.”
Notice what you didn’t do: You didn’t accuse. You didn’t shame. You didn’t make him wrong. You simply stated your emotional truth, and your need. Direct. Honest. Vulnerable.
Vignette 2: The Accountable Teen
Now for a happier moment. You walk in after a long day and find your teenage daughter doing her homework, no reminders, no nagging. Just… doing it.
Something inside you softens.
Step one: What am I feeling? Joy.
Step two: What triggered it? She’s being responsible and self-motivated.
Step three: What do I need? To express love and appreciation.
Here’s how that might sound:
“When I came home and saw you doing your homework, I felt so happy. I just need you to know how much I love you and appreciate your effort.”
This might seem unnecessary. You might think, Well, she knows I love her. But expressing our needs isn’t always about the outcome. It’s about staying connected to your truth, to your emotional world, to you.
And here’s the part most people miss:
Asking for what you need isn’t about getting a guaranteed “yes.”
It’s about honoring your voice. It’s about stepping into your rightful place as a full human being, not just a mirror for everyone else. Whether the answer is yes or no, you still win. Because you showed up for you.
This kind of communication might feel clunky at first. Like learning a new language when you’ve only ever spoken the dialect of self-denial. But with practice, it becomes second nature. You build emotional fluency. You stop contorting yourself. You start existing in the world with clarity, dignity, and kindness toward your own experience.
Because here’s the truth: your needs aren’t negotiable. They’re part of what make you you.
And when you stop performing for love, and start connecting from your center, something beautiful happens:
You become someone who knows herself.
Who speaks her truth.
Who shows up for her own heart.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s the most revolutionary act of love there is.
“You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either”